Consent and healthy relationships

Saying yes to a kiss does not mean agreeing to every kind of sexual contact that might follow. Consent is about the specific activity happening. You can change your mind and withdraw it, including after sexual activity has begun.

A past yes, silence or being married does not mean you consent now. Nor does going along with sex because you feel you have to. If you are initiating contact, ask and make room for an answer without arguing, bargaining or repeated pressure.

A person also needs to be able to understand and freely choose what is happening. Someone who is asleep, unconscious, or too affected by alcohol or drugs to do that cannot consent. Do not proceed with sexual contact.

Boundaries in a healthy relationship

A healthy relationship includes respect, honesty, independence and equality. You can have other friendships and interests, and spend time apart. Sexual contact is a choice, and a healthy relationship can exist without it.

You can set boundaries around touch and sexual activity. A partner who respects those limits does not make you feel bad for having them. For example, “I would like to hold you, but I do not want sex” sets a clear boundary.

When pressure becomes control

Sexual coercion can involve wearing someone down with repeated requests, making them feel guilty, threatening to end the relationship or using power over their job or home. Unwanted sexual activity can be coercive even without physical force. The responsibility belongs to the person applying pressure.

Coercive control describes a pattern of behaviour used to control someone. This can include isolating you from friends, controlling money, monitoring messages or tracking where you go. Abuse can happen in any relationship; it does not have to leave a visible injury before you seek support.

Contraception and pregnancy are your decisions

Reproductive coercion means controlling someone’s choices about contraception, fertility or pregnancy. It includes restricting access to contraception, deception about birth control, forcing pregnancy or forcing or preventing access to abortion or fertility procedures. These behaviours may be part of a wider pattern of abuse.

If this is happening, consider speaking to a clinician or abuse support service when it is safe. You could say, “Someone is interfering with my contraception, and I need to discuss my options privately.” Ask how the service will handle your information before explaining more.

Seeking help on a phone or computer

Someone with access to your phone or computer may be able to see the websites you visit. Clearing browsing history cannot guarantee that all traces are removed. The US Office on Women’s Health suggests that a library computer or a friend’s phone may be safer for seeking help.

Ask a support service to help you think through safety before making changes or leaving. The NHS advises being careful who you tell about plans to leave, so the person abusing you does not learn where you are going. You do not have to work out a complete plan before making contact.

Contact support or medical care

Call 999 now in the UK, 911 in the US, or your local emergency number if you are in immediate danger. For support before an emergency, speak to a GP or a domestic abuse service in the UK, your doctor or the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US, or a local service elsewhere.

In the UK, Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline supports women experiencing domestic abuse on 0808 2000 247, day or night. In the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 800.799.SAFE (7233), text START to 88788 or use its live chat. Choose a contact method that is safe for you.

After a recent sexual assault, contact a sexual assault referral centre or urgent medical service as soon as possible in the UK, a hospital or sexual assault care service in the US, or a local medical service elsewhere.

Seek urgent medical assessment now from these services if HIV exposure may have occurred. Ask about medicine to prevent HIV; do not wait for a routine appointment. Medical care can address injuries and concerns about pregnancy or STIs. UK referral centres can help even if you have not decided whether to report to the police.