Looking after yourself while trying to conceive

Trying to conceive can make sex feel like a scheduled task. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) notes that some people find fertility-awareness methods cause unnecessary stress, and that the stress of trying can reduce sexual satisfaction and how often people have sex. If that’s happening, bring it up when you talk about trying.

You might want company, privacy, practical help or a break from discussing it. Start with what would make this week easier. You do not have to turn every feeling into a problem to solve.

What we know about stress and fertility

ASRM says it is not clear how stress affects fertility. For people receiving fertility treatment, the UK’s Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) says there is no conclusive evidence that stress changes treatment outcomes. Feeling anxious is not evidence that you have caused the difficulty or spoiled your chances.

Feeling overwhelmed is reason enough to ask for support. You don’t have to make feeling calm another task on your list.

Talk about the schedule as well as sex

If timing is adding pressure, say so. Fertility guidance recognises that timing sex around the fertile window can add strain. Ask your clinician what flexibility you have, especially if you are following a treatment plan.

With a partner, try a conversation away from the moment you are deciding about sex. You could say, “I want us to keep trying, but I’m finding the schedule difficult.” Ask what each of you wants from closeness, including time together away from anything to do with trying.

Agree what information you want to share. You might want help remembering appointments but prefer to keep test readings private. After an appointment, one of you may want to talk while the other needs time to think. Ask directly instead of guessing what the other person needs.

Put boundaries around other people’s questions

Prepare a sentence you can use without explanation: “We’ll share news when we want to,” or “I’d rather talk about something else today.” You can decide who gets updates and change your mind about that later.

Consider what you want from online spaces too. You might mute a discussion, leave a group or ask a friend to check in privately. Choose how much you want to take in. You don’t have to feel positive about other people’s news every time.

Find support that fits

Family and friends may be enough support for some people. Others find it helpful to speak with a counsellor or someone with direct experience of fertility difficulties. HFEA guidance describes both options, including counselling on your own or with a partner.

In the UK, HFEA-licensed clinics must offer an opportunity to speak to a counsellor before treatment. Some clinics charge, so ask what is included. The HFEA also signposts Fertility Action and the Donor Conception Network as support organisations. Ask your clinic what support might suit you.

In the US, a primary care clinician can help you find a mental health professional. Elsewhere, ask your local doctor about counselling and fertility support. When considering a counsellor, ask about their experience with fertility concerns and any costs.

When feelings need more help

Call 999 now in the UK or 911 in the US, or your local emergency number, if life is at risk or you cannot keep yourself or someone else safe.

Contact an urgent GP service now in the UK, or call NHS 111 now and select the mental health option in England, if you are having suicidal thoughts or need urgent mental health support. In the US, call or text 988 now. Elsewhere, contact your local urgent mental health service now.

Book a GP appointment in the UK, or see your doctor in the US or elsewhere, if sadness or anxiety does not settle and is interfering with daily life. Describe how it affects you in your own words; you can ask for help before you know what to call it.

In the UK, Samaritans is also available free on 116 123, any time, to talk about what you are going through.