Sex and relationships after a birth

There is no fixed date when you have to start having sex again after a birth. You may feel sore, tired or simply uninterested for a while. You may want closeness without sex.

Talk about what feels right

If you have a partner, talk about worries before you try to resume sex. You may be concerned about pain, body changes or another pregnancy. Your partner may have worries too. Say what you would like to try and what you do not want.

Closeness can include touch, cuddling or sexual activity without penetration. The NHS suggests taking things gently and making time to relax together. Being affectionate does not have to lead to intercourse. Be clear about the kind of closeness you are choosing.

Dryness can continue while breastfeeding

Hormonal changes after childbirth can make the vagina feel drier. During breastfeeding, lower oestrogen levels can contribute too. If dryness is making sex uncomfortable, a water-based lubricant and more time for arousal may help. Ask a pharmacist if you are unsure which product to use.

Breasts may leak milk during sex. The US Office on Women’s Health suggests feeding or expressing some milk beforehand for comfort and keeping a towel nearby if you want one. Choose what makes you comfortable.

Pause if sex hurts

Say if penetration hurts, and pause rather than carrying on with something painful. You can choose another kind of touch or stop. The NHS advises discussing continuing pain at your postnatal check; you can also ask for help with concerns about sex before that appointment.

For frequent or severe pain during sex, ACOG advises seeing an obstetrician-gynaecologist, often called an ob-gyn in the US, or another healthcare professional. Tell them where it hurts and what happens when you try. You can ask what they want to check and what help is available before agreeing the next step.

Call 999 now (UK) or 911 (US), or your local emergency number, for severe or worsening pelvic pain, or pelvic pain with faintness, fainting or heavy vaginal bleeding.

Get urgent medical help today from your maternity team, GP or NHS 111 (UK), or your doctor or urgent care service (US and elsewhere), for pelvic pain with fever, shivering or unusual vaginal discharge.

Discuss contraception before periods return

Pregnancy can happen 3 weeks after a birth, including while breastfeeding and before periods restart. If you do not want another pregnancy, discuss contraception before sex that could lead to pregnancy. Do not assume breastfeeding alone will prevent pregnancy.

Some methods can be used straight after birth. For others, you need to wait or have a clinician check they are suitable. A midwife, GP or sexual health clinic in the UK, or your doctor elsewhere, can discuss options with you. Mention breastfeeding and ask when your chosen method begins working.

Talk about practical support too

A new baby can strain relationships through tiredness and less time together. If you have a partner, talk about what you need and divide household tasks and childcare. “I need you to take over this task” is often a clearer starting point than hoping someone notices.

Keep room for support from friends and relatives too. Tell them what kind of help would be useful. If you are parenting without a partner, you could ask a friend to visit or a relative to take on a practical task. For example, you could ask for help with a meal instead of a visit that needs hosting. Say what you would welcome, what you want to do yourself and when you need quiet.

Get help with pain or relationship worries

Book an appointment with your GP or health visitor in the UK, or your doctor or midwife in the US and elsewhere, for continuing pain or concerns about intimacy. Relationship counselling is another option if you want help talking through difficulties together.

Call 999 now (UK) or 911 (US), or your local emergency number, if you or your baby are in immediate danger.

If a relationship involves sexual, emotional or physical abuse, speak to a doctor, midwife or health visitor for help. You can discuss your own safety and support without involving a partner.